Hard conversations, teaching our sons this is not okay. Corell 7 but maybe we should say 50.....

By now, many of us have heard about the horrifying allegations coming out of Cornell University. A former student has filed a lawsuit alleging that seven members of the Chi Phi fraternity drugged and sexually assaulted her over the course of several hours in 2024. She alleges that she was pressured into taking ketamine and alcohol and that more men were invited into the room while she was incapacitated. Cornell says its investigation ultimately resulted in suspensions and expulsions, although the lawsuit has raised serious questions about how the university handled the case. Now, two years later, the district attorney has reopened the criminal investigation.

I keep thinking about something bigger than just the seven men accused in this case. I keep thinking about everyone around them. Who knew? Who heard something? Who saw something? Who could have walked toward that room instead of away from it? Who could have picked up a phone? When something terrible is happening, being the person who refuses to participate is not enough. Sometimes being a decent human being means being willing to stand up, speak up, call for help and stop what you know is wrong.

So tonight I talked to my almost 15 year old son about it. I asked him if he had heard about the Cornell case. He said, “I did, Mom, and it is disgusting.”Then I asked him a question. “What would you have done?”His answer stopped me.

He told me that if he had been on that campus and knew what was happening, he would have run toward that fraternity house while calling both campus police and the regular police. He said he would have done whatever he could to get someone there and stop what was happening. That was the answer I hoped I had raised him to give, and I did not have to tell him what to say.

I am raising a young man who understands that going to college is a privilege, but being a decent human being should simply be expected. I am raising a young man who understands that women do not owe men their bodies, their attention, their affection or anything else. I am raising the kind of man I hope your daughter would feel safe calling if she were scared, stranded, uncomfortable or in trouble, whether he knew her or not.

And yes, I am going to say something that will probably make some people uncomfortable. We spend an unbelievable amount of political energy arguing about transgender people in schools, transgender athletes and drag queens reading books, while women and girls are still trying to figure out whether they are safe at parties, on dates, walking home, at college or simply existing in the world. If you asked me whether I would rather leave my child in a room with a transgender person or seven random fraternity brothers, being transgender would not be the thing determining whether I trusted that person. Character would.

That is what I wish we talked about more. Character.

Are we raising boys who understand consent? Are we raising boys who will intervene when their friends cross a line? Are we raising boys who will call out another boy instead of laughing because they are afraid of looking uncool? Are we teaching them that silence can protect the person doing harm instead of the person being harmed?

Because “not all men” cannot be the end of the conversation. Of course it is not all men. I know wonderful men. I am raising two of them. But the good men cannot simply stand quietly in the background telling women, “I would never do that.” We need them standing beside women saying, “I will not let the men around me do it either.”

That is how something actually changes.

My son has said something to me several times over the past few years that gives me hope. He believes his generation can do better than the generations before it. I hope he is right. I hope there are millions of young people being raised with more compassion, more acceptance, more courage and a willingness to question the things previous generations simply accepted.

Sometimes I look at the darkness in this country and wonder where we are going. Then I have a conversation like the one I had with my son tonight, and I remember exactly what my job is. I am not leaving.

I am staying right here and raising men who will not tolerate sexist bullshit. Men who understand consent. Men who respect women. Men who will stand beside people who are vulnerable. Men who will speak when everyone else is silent. And most importantly, men who will run toward the house when someone inside needs help.

We need women fighting for women, but we need good men standing with us too. We need parents having these conversations with their sons long before they leave for college. We need schools, universities, communities and law enforcement to take sexual violence seriously. We need accountability that does not depend on someone's money, connections, gender or social status.

People have spent years saying they want to “make America great again.”I want something different.

I want us to make America great for everyone, maybe for the first time. A country where women do not have to calculate their safety every time they walk into a room. A country where our daughters are believed and protected and our sons understand that protecting someone's humanity is more important than protecting their buddies. Maybe that begins with something as simple as sitting across from your almost 15 year old son and asking him one question. “What would you do?”

Tonight, his answer gave me hope. 

Talk to your daughters, but most importantly please talk to your son's.